We’re talking about how we balance being real with striving for perfection in how we communicate.
In this episode, I’ll share stories that show the struggle between being authentic and trying to be flawless. You’ll hear about people like Mike, who got caught up in trying to be perfect and ended up feeling stressed and distant from their audience. On the other hand, we’ll look at those who push for being totally real, even if it means being less professional. I’ll give you practical tips on finding the right mix between being yourself and meeting your audience’s expectations. We’ll dive into personal stories and advice so you can communicate in a way that feels genuine and impactful. If you want to understand how being authentic while still aiming for excellence can build stronger connections, this episode is for you! Tune in now!
Transcript
Kerry:
Good morning and welcome to the Kerry Barrett Show Live. In today’s episode of the show, we’re gonna be talking about the balance between showing up perfectly and showing up with warts and all, forward facing. It’s sort of a take me as I am mentality. So before we get to that, who am I, and why should you listen to me? I’m Kerry Barrett. I’m the go to consultant for executives and law firms who want to up level their visibility with effective virtual communication and professional presentation skills. So okay. Perfectionism versus authenticity. What exactly is the right balance between the 2? So I was working with a client a couple of weeks ago, and we were getting ready for, you know, during this particular session anyway, for a big virtual client pitch that this client was not only creating but also practicing and preparing for.
Kerry:
And in the midst of practicing, he was a little bit nervous and he sort of stopped at mid script, if you will, and said that he believed his biggest speaking problem is a rampant use of filler words. Like, so, you know, one of the things that I fall back on regularly is, does that make sense? And in his mind, he didn’t see any way of getting rid of them, and he needed, again, in his mind to get rid of them so that he sounded credible. Right? So he said, you know, I can’t get rid of them. I sound like a friggin idiot. He didn’t say friggin’, but you get the point. And I I do understand where he’s coming from, and you have heard if you’ve been following my live streams or watched any of my video content or content on any of my social media posts or my blogs. Using so, like, and random other well, let’s see words or phrases that are a crutch. And if you use them, for example, at the start of every single sentence, it is distracting, and it makes whatever it is you’re saying sound less important perhaps than it actually is.
Kerry:
It’s more missable, if you will, when you surround whatever it is you’re saying by, like, so, you know. Right. I hope that makes sense. And nobody wants what they’re saying to sound less important than it is or to have it sound, you know, less urgent. Nobody wants that. So you will see some people sort of attack this problem. And when I say some people, I mean mentors or coaches, and they attack it in sort of a punishing way is probably the best way to describe it. So, for example, what I mean by that is every time you say like or you know or or do something that you find is, you know, unpleasant.
Kerry:
Take a shot of vinegar. I don’t know. Go do a cold plunge. Something along those lines. Something that will associate this particular sound because oftentimes it’s not really even a word with something physically unpleasant. Or they may say, you know, every time you sort of like a swear jar. Every time you say you put a dollar or whatever it is into a jar. And, you know, that could potentially work.
Kerry:
It’s fun to do maybe at parties, but it’s not really a huge game changer. It’s not going to create long term change and understanding of effective communication. And oftentimes, we find that we use those sorts of words when we are. I just did it now. It’s sort of contagious. We find that we use those words when we are in sort of an adlib environment, and we’re thinking of whatever it is the next thing that we’re going to be talking about. We’re sort of coming up with it real time in our minds before it spits out of our mouths. And so even when we’re in those situations, regardless of whether we have punished ourselves with you know, a shot of vinegar or a cold plunge or something along those lines, if we haven’t created real change, we’re still gonna fall back into those habits or those crutches, if you will, when we’re in an environment where we can’t stop and take a shot of vinegar or do do whatever it is that takes our mind off of it and and punishes us for using those words. So if using filler words is actually one of your biggest speaking challenges, there’s a couple of things that I do recommend.
Kerry:
Number 1, and you’ve heard me talk about this quite a bit on live streams and in content, speak, riff, if you will, into your phone, your voice recorder, your notes for a couple of minutes, 30 seconds at least, at least once a day. More than once is even better. You can also, and you’ve heard me talk about this as well, get curious about why and when you are using those filler words like, so. And, usually, it’s because you’re in an Ad Lib situation. You don’t know exactly what it is that you’re going to say next, so you’re creating sort of an audible space is what it’s called. And perhaps it’s also because you don’t feel incredibly comfortable with whatever it is that you are talking about. So then you can practice replacing whatever your go to crutch sound is with a breath or do something else that’s physical. Sometimes I recommend breaking gaze with the camera or the audience or tapping your leg so you have a physical sensation.
Kerry:
Some need to sort of swallow that word or that sound and take a breath, and then start over again. And then I would say practice listening to yourself. You know, the first tip I mentioned was riffing into your phone for a couple of seconds, 30 seconds at least, once a day, and then go back and watch or listen. So here’s what you don’t want to do if in fact, umms and ahs are your biggest challenge. Don’t use your next high stakes gig as a training ground. Right? Your next big client pitch, your next media opportunity, your next presentation. It’s way too high stakes, and there are already a million other things that you’re focusing on that are going to make much more of an impact if you’re practicing than saying, you know, or, too many times. So that’s takeaway 1 from today’s episode.
Kerry:
But I wanna dive into the bigger issue, which is really the conundrum, if you will, of that perfectionism mindset versus the, you know, take me as I am mentality. Warts and all, you know, I am who I am. So the first thing we’re gonna talk about is the quest for perfection. Now I want you to imagine a speaker who spends hours and hours refining their speech, their presentation, their talk, whatever it is, their client pitch, and they are obsessed with eliminating every single or whatever it is, and they are striving for their version of perfection. And you may have heard me talk about great speakers before. 1 of the ones that I refer to on the regular is Winston Churchill, more of an orator, but in many people’s eyes, regardless of what you think of him politically, he is sort of the standard, if you will, to speaking perfection. Right? And so this person who is striving for that type of delivery believes that absolute perfection is the key to credibility, certainly, but also authenticity. Yet interestingly enough, they will also express a desire to be seen as genuine, to be seen as real, to be seen as relatable and authentic.
Kerry:
And it’s this sort of classic push pull of wanting to have your cake and eat it too. Right? So you’re looking for perfection, and yet you also want to have authenticity. So Michael was a client that I worked with, a high achieving executive c suite, and he was known throughout his company and certainly with his immediate team for this meticulous attention to detail. His presentations were always flawless. He did a lot of video content, and it wasn’t just his presentation. It was also emails and newsletters and reports. Right? Everything that he put his hand to was perfect or as close to perfect as you could possibly get. However, Mike’s obsession with trying to get it all perfect all the time made him insanely critical, not just of himself, but of the other people around him.
Kerry:
And what does that do? That ultimately leads to stress. It ultimately led to, you know, not the greatest relationship with the people around him, with his team. His thing was that he was worried about public speaking, speaking on camera, any sort of communication really in general to an audience. He was worried about it not because he wasn’t knowledgeable, not because he was afraid of positioning himself as an expert or afraid of having an audience, but because he was terrified of making a mistake in front of an audience. So there was one presentation actually in particular that was sort of the impetus for change for Mike. All names have been changed here. And it was because he was having an off day. Right? He stumbled over a couple of words, and then he was fixated on those small errors despite the rest of the presentation being, you know, a success by anybody’s measure.
Kerry:
But he sort of had these, and I do talk about this on the regular, these two trains of thought. 1 was what I’m supposed to be saying, and one was, oh my gosh. I made these mistakes. I sound like an idiot. Failure. Rejection. It’s confirming all the worst things that I’ve ever thought about myself, and he couldn’t bring those two elements back together in real time. He realized in that moment that that tendency towards perfectionism was actually holding him back.
Kerry:
It wasn’t making him more credible. Certainly wasn’t making him more authentic. He definitely wasn’t having an easier time connecting with whoever was watching him, whether it was a client or, you know, a team leader or an employee, it was holding him back more than moving him forward. And so the shift for everybody, not just for Mike in this particular moment, the mindset shift is that it is absolutely critical that you recognize that this goal of getting everything perfect leads us away from who we really are. Right? And we don’t wanna ramble, and we don’t wanna make egregious errors, and we certainly don’t wanna look like we don’t know what we’re talking about. But authenticity, connection, what’s that that’s what it leads to. That’s why we talk about authenticity so much. It’s not authenticity for authenticity’s sake.
Kerry:
It’s authenticity for having an impact and connecting. It isn’t about being flawless. It’s about being genuine, warts and all. So the tip of the day when it comes to perfectionism is and this is, gosh, is so much easier said than done because I struggle with this all the time. Sometimes it keeps me up at night. In fact, I had one of those nights last night. But embrace your imperfections. It’s okay to aim for excellence.
Kerry:
You should aim for excellence. I would say practice every high stakes speech that you’re going to do at least 10 times through, and that doesn’t mean you’re just reading your slides. So you’re aiming for excellence, but it is your perspective and your genuine self that is going to be what connects you to your audience. Even if it’s a b to b audience in a very sort of stoic and traditional industry. And I’m gonna go off on a tiny bit of a tangent here, but I was working with my business coach a couple of weeks back, and we were talking about the different ways that the disc personality assessment and the way different people, the d, the I, the s’s, the c’s, the way that they purchase. And we were talking specifically about, you know, the d’s, the sort of dominating forces. And they generally assume that every decision they make is one that’s data based. Right? It is logistical and rational, and it’s based on results and success, and it is.
Kerry:
It is. But there’s always a deeper level and it’s why do they want those results or why is that data important. And it ties back to something I mentioned earlier. They want the data and the results that were indicated with whatever service or product it is or coach it is that they’re looking on working with or looking to work with because they want that success for themselves. And why do they want that success for themselves? If you dig a little bit deeper into that, it usually has ties to rejection and failure and status to some degree as well. All of them tie together. But when we fail, it is a confirmation in our minds of not just I’m gonna lose my job or I’m gonna lose credibility from my team or, you know, whatever. It is a confirmation of all the worst things that we’ve ever thought about ourselves.
Kerry:
Right? That’s what it is. And I still struggle with this every single day. Struggling with it right now. But my point is that authenticity is what will connect you even with people who fit into a category that we assume is very data and statistical and results driven. So don’t confuse precision with your passion. Right? And if there were any moments in there or you have any questions, go ahead and put them in the comments. I’ll answer them at the end. Maybe there was something in there that was particularly helpful or you think you may have a challenge handling or implementing.
Kerry:
So now is your time to go ahead and ask. Alright. Next, we’re going to talk about embracing your authenticity. So we’re sort of going on the opposite end of the spectrum. The 2, You know, excellence and authenticity should always be together, but we were talking first about Mike who is entirely focused on perfection. And now we’re talking about not just embracing authenticity, but, you know, the opposite side of the spectrum, the flip side of the coin. This group who falls onto you know, in this bucket, if you will, are the people who are adamant about their, this is me. I am who I am, stance.
Kerry:
Right? And these people generally resist any form of correction. I’m gonna put correction in air quotes because, really, I think the word that I’m looking for is guidance or redirection. And this group generally wears their speech habits, and not just their speech habits, but everything about themselves, almost like a badge of honor regardless of how it affects their message’s reception. So they look not necessarily at Winston Churchill’s, but they look at people who speak in, there’s not actually a specific person that I would use to showcase this, but people who speak with natural dialects, which is okay to do, very casual mannerisms, things that maybe aren’t entirely professional. And they look at those as a sign of authenticity. However, they too, much like our first group, desire to have this area taken seriously as well. When I say this area, I mean they desire to be taken seriously. They desire to possess gravitas without having any criticism that comes along with it.
Kerry:
So Libby, and, again, all names have been changed, was this really talented, ambitious project manager. Didn’t own her own business. We didn’t do, you know, project management for others, but in a corporation. And she’d always prided herself on being absolutely, unapologetically, her full self wherever she was, and she wore this very, very casual communication style, like I said, almost as a badge of honor. So she thought, you know, I’m very straightforward. I’m a straight shooter. I use a lot of colloquialisms. It makes me super relatable.
Kerry:
She also noticed, though, that her messages missed the mark in formal settings, and she had this goal for herself of having a leadership role, of having a real impact within her organization and also outside of it, speaking on stages and doing media and podcasts, etcetera, etcetera. And when she thought about her goals as a result as it related rather to leadership, it seemed increasingly out of reach, and her messages weren’t having the desired effect. Yes. They were entertaining, and people liked to listen to them, but they generally didn’t do whatever the thing was that she wanted them to do afterward, barring a direct order to a subordinate. So she was stuck in this, as I mentioned, you know, this is me, take it or leave it sort of mindset. And the truth is, a lot of times when we are in that arena, and I’ve I’ve been there. In fact, I would say I tend to fall more in that arena because of my background, specifically, my news background, my entertainment sort of background, if you will. And what we find is that, you know, this whole, like, this is me mindset works absolutely for entertainment, but can potentially limit potential potentially limit potential.
Kerry:
Allow me to introduce myself. Right? So she was limiting herself ultimately is what it came down to. And the, you know, take me as I am sort of thing was certainly fun, and it made her memorable. But there was a happy medium that both Mike and Libby were missing that comes with bringing those two elements together. So the pivotal moment for Libby was when she got feedback after a presentation. And her content, absolutely solid, but her delivery was very casual. And I I would always say your delivery should not be like a white paper. It should be conversational.
Kerry:
But she used slang so often that it really detracted from the professionalism of the report and the gravity of her message, the seriousness of her message, and it was a wake up call. And I will say that oftentimes people, and, again, myself, that fall into this sort of take me as I am mentality really means that we’re often so sensitive to criticism that it feels like a punch in the gut every time we get it. So we use this as my defense mechanism. I’m not going to work to get better because I’m afraid inside that I won’t fail or that I will fail rather. If I have a coach, I also am going to have to come face to face with my weaknesses and my flaws, and that is unpleasant to say the least for most of us. I still hate it. I hate looking at my video content and listening to my podcasts. And that’s why, Because I have to come face to face with my flaws.
Kerry:
25 years in, I still loathe it. I’ve just learned that it’s something I have to do, and the purpose is greater than that. But oftentimes, we fall into the this is me mentality because it’s a defense. We’re not gonna really try any harder because, oh my gosh, if we try harder and we fail, then we really suck, and it really is a confirmation. Now if we fail, we can say, I didn’t really try that hard. It was never my goal. So it saves our ego a little bit. So the mindset shift here is that being truly authentic does involve embracing your natural self, but it also means that you’re open to growth.
Kerry:
It’s about finding your voice, you know, what it is that you wanna talk about, who you are, and the way that you talk about it in a way that respects your individuality, who you are, and also your audience’s needs. Right? How do you bring that into the picture? Because at the end of the day, really, your audience’s needs are first and foremost. So the takeaway tip is foremost rather. The takeaway tip here is that balance between these two elements is the secret sauce. It is the secret to success. If you work on refining your skills, not necessarily to erase your personality, but to enhance your ability to convey your message effectively, to enhance the ability of the audience to absorb it, to make it easy for them to understand. Your goal is to be authentically you in a way that resonates with and respects the audience. Right? So we’re bringing the audience into this now.
Kerry:
So how do you bring those 2 elements together? And if you have questions or any moments or, oh, that’s cool. I never thought of it that way. Drop them in the comments. Alright. So next, how you find that middle ground, how you bring the perfectionist in you and the, whatever. Take me as I am. How you bring those two things together. So this is really the crux of what we’re talking about today, and it is all about finding the ground between the I get it out.
Kerry:
Unattainable ideal of perfection and that sort of unyielding insistence on raw, unfiltered authenticity. Neither one of those extremes are the path to being an effective communicator or having a genuine connection. So this particular story is about Alex, and Alex was a mid sort of mid level manager who, in the process of working together, sort of discovered this really transformative way of finding his voice. So for him actually, excuse me, Alex was VP. He was VP of an organization. I apologize. It’s getting him confused with somebody else. And Alex had always struggled with speaking.
Kerry:
So he was caught in that trap of trying to create this perfect sort of facade on the outside. Every word was meticulously scripted, and scripting is not a bad idea, but there’s a sweet spot. And the goal of his scripting was so that he would avoid any possible chance of making a mistake. Now, despite the fact that he took all of these steps to script and be perfect, he still felt that what it was that he was saying, and this applies to he said anywhere that he would show up, whether it was on video for social media, whether it was on a stage for public speaking, either at a conference, an industry conference, or at an internal event, whether he was on camera for a video podcast or a client pitch. Right? So in all of those instances, he felt that what it was that he was saying wasn’t resonating. He also felt like he didn’t have that warmth. He, those two things go together, and the audience was disengaged. Those three things go together.
Kerry:
Lack of a solid message, disengaged audience, lack of warmth. Alex was looking for perfection. He was stressed out. He was totally unfulfilled, and it wasn’t having his speaking engagements and public speaking appearances were not having the desired effect. They weren’t bringing in clients. They weren’t establishing him as a thought leader. They weren’t enhancing his leadership skills, his team, etcetera, etcetera. So the turning point for Alex came when we worked together in a sort of a workshop environment on authentic communication.
Kerry:
Right? It sounds very generic, but he learned that connecting with his audience wasn’t about, right, we talked about before, wasn’t about eliminating every or every or every flaw, but it was about being genuine, rather, vulnerable, and relatable. Right? So we had to learn how to tell stories, and he had to learn that he was not just a deliverer of facts, that he was also sort of performing as well in any speaking engagement. That’s too generic of a word. Anytime you are in front of an audience talking, whether it’s on a lens or on a stage, it is a performance. And we’re gonna talk about performance mindset in believe it’s 3 episodes from now, the difference between that. But to go back to Alex, he was really excited about that revelation, if you will, that epiphany that he had. And so he began to integrate, bring in these personal stories. He began to be able to show genuine enthusiasm anytime that he was speaking and to an audience.
Kerry:
He stopped obsessing over the occasional stumble and instead he was focusing on clarity and passion. And so the mindset shifted for him and and then his speaking engagements and any public appearance did start having the fact that he wanted it to. His team thought he was more credible and relatable, so there was more buy in. He had media opportunities that actually generated clients and revenue. His social media video began to bring in inbound leads. Excuse me, inbound leads and requests for discovery and sales calls. Right? So if you understand that the most important and impactful message and communication comes from a place of balanced authenticity. Being true to yourself while also considering the expectations and the norms of your audience and the industry in which your audience resides or the industry in which your ideal target or target or client resides.
Kerry:
So the takeaway from today’s episode is that you’re looking to bring all of these elements together, and I can help you do that if you have questions. I’ll put a link in the show notes, and I’ll talk about how to get in touch with me at the end. But the key is to really reflect on your personal goals, your professional goals, and they’re often overlapped. Right? Oftentimes, it’s confidence building as well to allow you to take these next steps and push the envelope. Bring in those personal and professional goals together, and then tailor your communication style accordingly. Bring in your unique self and your desire for credibility, and tailor your communication style accordingly. It’s not about conforming to a specific standard. It’s definitely not rebel rebelling against another sort of standard.
Kerry:
It’s about finding a voice that is uniquely yours and is also effective and resonates with the people that you’re hoping to talk to. If you remember one thing, remember this. You cannot be your natural self and have no one ever criticize you, and you cannot play it safe and conservative and have people feel like you went out on a limb to connect with them. Every single thing you want is on the other side of figuring those two elements out. And I hope that what we’ve talked about today makes sense and that it’s brought some element of understanding or a moment as you were listening. And, Rick, I see your message here. And in sports, the color guy typically comes across as very personable, while the play by play is the more professional. That’s such a great analogy.
Kerry:
I’m not a sports person, which is why I never would have thought of it, but that’s absolutely true. Except that in this case, right, as the speaker, you are actually looking to do both of those things. You are the play by play guy or gal, and you are the color commentator at the same time. Thank you, Rick. It was super smart and very helpful, and I’m gonna steal it. Alright. Next week, Thursday, 10 AM EST, they are names that you know. Talking about Harrison Ford.
Kerry:
We’re talking about Nicole Kidman, Jennifer Lawrence, Shania Twain, Brad Pitt, people who are famous, who are rich, who are talented, who are beautiful, people who have achieved amazing levels of success as communicators, who on the silver screen absolutely shine. Success playing other characters, but all have stage fright. They hate showing up on the talk show circuit because there’s not a character that they can push themselves into there. They have to show up as themselves. They don’t have the armor of their character or their alter ego, and a lot of them design an alter ego. We’ll talk about how to do that in an upcoming episode as well. But why does that happen? Why is someone so great communicating through a character on a screen, and why are they so afraid of showing up as themselves? Why does it happen? How do you get through it? That’s what we’re gonna be going to be talking about on next week’s episode of The Kerry Barrett Show live. If you’re interested in scheduling a free confident speaker strategy call, you can do so using my booking link, calendly.com.
Kerry:
Carrie Barrett, confident on camera strategy call. We’re gonna have a link in the comments and a link in the show notes as well. That’s
all for today. Thank you for joining me, and I hope that you have an absolutely spectacular Thursday, a wonderful week, and I will see you back here at the same time, same place. Have a great week.
